An educator's most important task, one might say his holy duty, is to see to it that no child is discouraged at school, and that a child who enters school already discouraged regains his self-confidence through his school and his teacher. This goes hand in hand with the vocation of the educator, for education is possible only with children who look hopefully and joyfully upon the future.
ALFRED ADLER
Imagine what it would be like to step into a world where everything is different from the world in which you were raised. Perhaps you grew up wanting to please adults. You worked hard for good grades so your teachers and parents would be proud of you. You tried to be a good child so you would avoid punishments. You became an approval junkie. It did not occur to you that your thoughts and ideas should matter to anyone.
Or you may have been one of those kids who fought the system. You didn't care about rewards. You did your best to avoid punishments by not getting caught, but if you did, oh well. You became a rebel. Sadly, you were more focused on rebelling against the thoughts
of others than on examining your own thoughts.
Now—still imagining you are a child—you have entered a world where teachers don't use punishments and rewards. They want you to focus on solutions to problems—along with them. Instead of imposing consequences on you, they encourage you to think about the con-sequences of your behavior, and how it affects you and others. They believe that mistakes are opportunities to learn, and that sometimes you can choose to take some positive time out (in an area you helped create to feel better before you are ready to learn.
How will you deal with this new world? Our guess is that it won't be easy to give up your dependence on or rebellion against adults who use extrinsic motivators (punishments and rewards) in favor of accepting responsibility and working with those who use intrinsic motivators (teachings skills for community and respectful problem solving).
This new world may not be any easier for teachers who are accustomed to discipline programs based on behaviorism. They too need a paradigm shift in their awareness. The following chart can help them explore the difference between two schools of thought.
TWO OPPOSING SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT ON HUMAN BEHAVIOR
Terry Chadsey and Jody McVittie, Certified Positive Discipline Trainers
At the beginning of Positive Discipline workshops and classes, we help teachers increase their awareness of the need for change by asking them to create a list of what they want for their students—what kind of characteristics and life skills they hope their students will develop.
For more than thirty years, in many different countries, hundreds of groups have created these lists, and they are all essentially the same:
Characteristics and Life Skills
• Responsibility
• Self-discipline
• Cooperation
• Kindness
• Empathy
• Loving nature
• Honesty
• Lifelong learner
• Self-motivation
• Happiness
• Social consciousness
• Compassion
• Respect for self and others
• Problem-solving skill
• Sense Of humor
• Resiliency
• Accountability
• Belief in personal capability
You'll notice that this list does not include academic excellence. We then ask the teachers how many think these characteristics and life skills are as important as academics. Every hand goes up. Then they say that these characteristics and life skills are even more important than academics because kids have to have these qualities in order to learn. Next, we ask teachers to brainstorm a list of behavior challenges. These lists are also very similar, regardless of the country from which they originate:
Behavior Challenges
• Not listening
• Talking back
• Lack Of motivation
• Use of foul language
• Interrupting
• Homework problems
• Tardiness
• Sleeping in class
• Fighting
• Whining
• Temper tantrums
• Constant texting
• Media addiction
• Defiance
• Strong will
• Bullying
We go on to show the teachers how they can use the behavior challenges as an opportunity to teach the characteristics and life skills they want for their students. They learn this from their own experience by participating in a fun activity called Asking Versus Telling.
ACTIVITY: ASKING VERSUS TELLING
OBJECTIVE
TO show teachers how to use behavior challenges as opportunities to teach the characteristics and life skills they want for their students
DIRECTIONS
1. Ask for a volunteer to role-play a student, then sixteen more volunteers to role-play teachers.
2. Divide the "teachers" into two lines. eight in each line. The "teachers" in one line of eight will have telling statements, and the other line will have asking statements.
3. Instruct the "student" to proceed down the line of "teachers" who have telling statements. The "student" stands in front of each "teacher" and listens to what he or she has to say without saying anything in response. The "student" just notices what he or she is thinking, feeling, and deciding.
TELLING STATEMENTS
1. You know you should have your books and homework ready before you come to class!
2. Don't forget to take your coat with you for recess, and be sure to put it on—it's cold outside!
3. If you don't get your work done in class, you'll stay in from recess and get it done then!
4. Put your papers away, books back on the shelf, and clean up before you leave the classroom!
5. Why can't you sit quietly like Sally?
6. Stop whining and complaining!
THE ICEBERG ANALOGY OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR
Many discipline programs address only the tip of the iceberg—the part you can see, the student's behavior. They attempt to manage behavior using punishments and rewards. Positive Discipline addresses the tip of the iceberg and the underwater portion.
Psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs taught that children who misbehave are children who are discouraged. In other words, when children believe they don't belong, they "misbehave"—they choose a mistaken way to find belonging and significance. When teachers address only the behavior (the part they see), they do not deal with the discouragement that motivates the behavior. We call the part that is hidden under the surface the "belief behind the behavior."
It is understandable that teachers, like most adults, deal with what is on the surface. They've probably never thought of students as being like icebergs, and even if they have, they may not have the tools or knowledge to navigate around the under- water part of the iceberg. Teachers can easily be fooled into believing that the behavior is the issue instead of the belief behind the behavior.
When teachers address the behavior only, they often create more discouragement, thus increasing misbehavior.
UNDERSTANDING THE UNDERWATER PART OF THE ICEBERG
Children continuously make subconscious decisions based on their perceptions, or private logic, of their life experiences. Some of these decisions are about themselves. such as "Am I good or bad, capable or incapable, significant or insignificant?" Others are decisions about other people: "A re Others encouraging or discouraging, helpful or hurtful? Do they like me or dislike me?" Still others are decisions about the world: the world safe or scary, nurturing or threatening, a place where I can thrive or a place where I need to try to survive?" Children are not aware that they are making these decisions—centering on their need to belong and feel significant—but these decisions become their beliefs that affect their behavior.
When children feel safe—when they feel that they belong and are significant—they thrive. They develop into capable people with the characteristics and life skills teachers want them to have. When children believe they do not belong and are not significant, they adopt survival behavior. Survival behavior, often called misbehavior, is based on mistaken ideas about how to find belonging and significance. (We discuss this distinction more thoroughly in Chapter 4.)
We believe that the long-term result of using punishments and rewards to motivate behavior is discouragement. Children who like rewards soon depend on them for motivation and don't want to be contributing members of society for inner rewards—for feeling good
about doing what is right even when no one is looking. The long-term results of punishment are described as follows:
Three R 's of Punishment
l. Rebellion: "They can't make me. I'll do what I want."
2. Revenge: "I'll get even and hurt back, even if it hurts my future. "
3. Retreat:
a. Low self-esteem: "I must be a bad person."
b. Sneaky; "l just won’t get caught next time."
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IN ACTION
I use Class Meeting time to help my fourth-grade students get to know each other and appreciate each other's positive qualities. To help them practice compliments and appreciation, at the beginning of the year during a Class Meeting, I draw one student's name from a bucket. Classmates brainstorm and name all the strengths and unique qualities of this one person, as I take notes. It is amazing how many positive and wonderful things students notice about each other.
I then take my Class Meeting notes and make a poster for each child. including all the positive qualities recorded and a picture of each child. These posters hang outside my fourth-grade classroom for the entire school to see. This process builds a sense of community and recognizes students for their unique qualities and contributions. Students
have the opportunity to hear their classmates' and my positive perspectives about them—how encouraging! At midyear. after the posters have all hung together in the hallway for some time, these cherished posters are sent home for students to share with their family.
Mrs. Ohlin. a fourth-grade teacher.
Sandy Springs, Georgia
Since the three R's are the long-term results of punishment, why are so many programs based on a model that includes punishment, like the marbles in a jar in former years, or today's popular color-card system. Perhaps administrators and teachers who use punishment systems don't understand the long-term effects on students (based on the decisions they make about themselves) and their families. Maybe they are looking for something "simple" to stop problem behavior in its
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IN ACTION
Today a four-year old boy stormed away from the art table. screaming that he was "mad, frustrated, and not happy." My assistant followed him over to our comfy cushion, where he had wrapped himself in a blanket. now just screaming wordlessly and kicking the cushion. He refused to talk to the assistant. just continuing to scream. I sat next to him and whispered. "l need a hug." We continued screaming and writhing. After about fifteen seconds, I repeated, -l need a hug" We stopped screaming and flailing but kept his back to me. Ten more seconds. "l need a hug." Long pause. Ae turned over. climbed into my lap. and hugged me. I asked him if he wanted to go back to the art table by himself or if he wanted me to go with him. He asked me to go with him. He went back, finished his project happily, and left the table. Steven Poster, L.C.S.W., early childhood specialist working with children with special needs, Positive Discipline lead trainer
tracks. Maybe they think the system "works" because of short-term results. The color-card system is one of those punishment-based programs that seem to get immediate results. However, several parents (and two teachers) shared their discouraging experiences with the color-card system on a Positive Discipline social network.
"My son started kindergarten yesterday," wrote a parent called Lori, "and I need some advice. Both yesterday and today his teacher had the students come out one at a time to be released to their parents. I've noticed that the teacher is using this time as an opportunity to report on the child's behavior. She'll say things like 'She had a great day today—good job, Mom,' with a big smile on her face, or she'll list the 'offenses' that the child committed during the day. I was one of the lucky ones whose kid was released last, so I didn't have to be humiliated when she reported that 'he had a good morning, but he got a red card this afternoon.' Today I vowed that I would take my son by the hand, wave, and say goodbye before she had the chance to embarrass both of us in front of our peers. My son told on himself after school—he had a time-out because his card got moved to red. I asked him what happened and how he could avoid it tomorrow, and then we moved on with our afternoon.
"My husband and I are pretty upset, and he thinks I need to say something to the teacher. It really is so sad seeing the expressions on the faces of the kids and the parents alike—it breaks my heart because they just look crushed. While I can see my husband's point, I don't want to start off on the wrong foot with the teacher by inadvertently offending her. Which might happen if she thinks I'm attacking her approach as a teacher?
"Help! Should I say something, and if so, do you have any words of wisdom as to how I should approach her?"
A second parent reported this story: "My son is in third grade. He is constantly having to 'move his card' (that horrific color-coded behavior chart that so many teachers are using these days) and is made to sit alone—away from his classmates, or he has recess taken away.
"Last week he was sent to the principal's office three times! Once for interrupting seven times while the teacher was teaching a lesson (attention-seeking from peers), once for coloring on a table and not stopping after being asked, and a third time for rolling his eyes at the
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POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IN ACTION
This happened today in my social skills class for preschoolers. Ryan was having an awful morning. hitting kids repeatedly, telling adults to shut up, running off, etc. Near the end of the day I pulled him aside and described his day. I told him it looked like he was having a very hard day. Kids were mad at him. He was telling grown-ups to shut up. Predictably he told me to shut up... again.
I asked him whether something happened at home that was bothering him.
"Shut up!"
I said that I really wanted to help him but didn't know what to do.
"Shut up!"
I asked him if he wanted a hug.
"No!"
I said. "Hmm. You're feeling pretty icky and you don't want a hug.
You know what? I could use a hug. Will you give me one?"
Long stare. I say nothing.
He launches himself at me and squeezes.
"Wow. that's a nice hug! I could use another one like that."
He gives me another one.
We go have a snack. His life still is in chaos. But his last ten minutes of class go smoothly.
Powerful.
It seems that asking for hugs is helpful even in non tantrum moments.
Steven poster, L.C.S.W.
home, her parents lectured her and punished her by taking away toys (third punishment).
"She decided to play it safe and try to stay out of trouble. Her version of staying out of trouble was and is to stay low on the radar, including getting mediocre grades so she doesn't stand out. It made her nervous when she got A's and B's, so she figured out how to get B's and C's so no one would expect much of her. She stopped caring about school or thinking it was important. Unfortunately, this decision leaves her sick to her stomach—literally."
The excessive use of punishment is not unlike a form of abuse. If parents and teachers knew they were going to create lifetime problems from their punitive approach, they most likely would look for alternatives. They simply do not understand or consider the long-term results of their methods.
This book is filled with alternatives. If we were to choose just one alternative to the color-card system, it would be to ask a student who is behaving improperly, "How can we solve this problem?" This does not leave children feeling humiliated. Instead it helps them feel capable and teaches them to focus on solutions to mistakes. For many variations on the theme of solutions, see Chapter 7.
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