The beneficial effects of building morale, providing a feeling
of togetherness and considering difficulties as projects for
understanding and improvement, rather than as objects of
scorn, outweigh any possible harm.
RUDOLF DAEIKURS
Hardly a week goes by without some media reference to bullying. Even though bullying has been around since the beginning of time, the media keep the issue front and center of our awareness and concern.
A concerted effort is now under way to educate parents, school personnel, and young people about bullying. This may be the result of several incidents in which students who felt ridiculed and disenfranchised killed Other innocent students. Many schools have put bullying programs into place. Some of them use a punitive problem-solving model, while others teach students empowerment and esteem building.
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Dan Olweus, Scandinavian bullying expert, defines bullying as doing mean or hurtful things on purpose over and over to Someone who has a hard time defending himself or herself. Bullying behavior. is intended to hurt, and there is an imbalance of power. According to Olweus, the bully is wrong and the victim is innocent. Olweus acknowledges that Class Meetings are one of the best ways to prevent bullying, but his program does not include methods for conducting Class Meetings.
Bullying is a mistaken way of solving a perceived or real problem. It can be a long-practiced behavior of overcompensation for feelings Of inadequacy. When people believe they are good enough just the way they are, they feel no need to bully anyone. But when people feel they are one down, they try to solve that problem, and sometimes bullying is how they go about doing that. Rudolf Dreikurs called it "deflating others in order to inflate oneself."
The Mistaken Goals Chart (see Chapter 4) sheds light on the purpose of bullying behavior. Some bullies are looking for attention and recognition. They aré saying with their behavior, Look at me. You can't ignore me. I'm the top dog. We call this mistaken goal Undue Attention. Other bullies behave the way they do in order to gain power. They are saying with their behavior, See how powerful I am. I'm the boss and you'll do as I say. I can do anything I want and you can't stop me. We call this mistaken goal Misguided Power.
Others bully for the purpose of getting even with others or paying back others for hurt feelings. This mistaken goal is called Revenge. The behavior is saying, I've been hurt and you're going to pay. I'm going to make you feel as bad as I do. It's only fair. Eric Harris, one of the Columbine killers, Wrote in his journal, "If people would give me more compliments, all of this might still be avoidable.”
Finally, bullying can be a way to keep others away so the bully can be left alone. Strange as it may seem, the bully wants to be left alone, without expectations for better behavior. He or she may think, No matter what I do, it never gets better, so why bother even trying? We can't say it often enough: a misbehaving child is a discouraged child.
THREE COMMON MISTAKES ABOUT BULLYING
KIDS WOULD NEVER LEARN HOW TO BULLY IF THEY DIDN'T WATCH THEIR PARENTS (OR TEACHERS) AND COPY WHAT THEY SEE
Parents are a child's first role model and authority figure, and teachers the next. But we need to remember that it is not what happens to and around us that makes us who we are, but what we decide about it. If aggressive behavior takes place at home or school, some young people, observing it, may decide that is the way to behave. Others may make a totally different decision, move in an opposite direction, and decide never to be hurtful or violent to others.
Some kids learn to bully from watching the media, or following their peers, or becoming part of a gang to feel safe or to fit in with a crowd. Regardless of how kids begin bullying behavior that seems to work for them, they get better and better at whatever they practice regularly. Therefore it is imperative for adults to teach children other ways to solve problems that give them respectful way to get recognition, power, justice, and skills.
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*Quoted in Susannah Meadows, "Murder on Their Minds: The Columbine Killers Left a Troubling Trail of Clues," Newsweek, July 17, 2006.
ONCE YOU DEAL WITH THE BULLY, THE PROBLEM IS GONE
Like all behaviors, bullying doesn't happen in a vacuum. In a bullying situation, there's a bully, a victim, and often a bystander. Each is affected and involved, although differently.
As you read this chapter, perhaps you've been thinking back to a time in your life where there was a bullying situation. If you haven't been thinking about that, take a minute and do it now. When you remember the situation, were you the bully, the victim, or the bystander? What were you thinking, feeling, and deciding? What were you doing? What were you wishing for? No one in that situation gets a pass—everyone is impacted, just in different ways.
If you were the bully, were you being physical? Were you threatening, intimidating, or coercing someone? Were you excluding someone or humiliating them? Were you trying to control another person or get that person to turn against someone else? Were you extorting food, money, or favors from someone? Did you gossip behind someone's back? Did you start rumors about someone? Did you decide to isolate or ostracize someone?
If you were the victim, were you smaller or weaker than the bully? Were you less popular, less attractive than the bully? Did you have a physical, religious, or cultural difference? Were you a loner? What made you a target? Did you fight back? If not, why not? Did you tell anyone? If not, why not?
If you were the bystander, were you glad it wasn't you who was being picked on? Did you intervene? Run for help? Stand up to the bully? Tell the bully to stop? Laugh? Take sides with the bully? Listen to rumors? Gossip along with the bully? Participate in isolating a person?
Over the years, Lynn has heard countless stories in her counseling practice, of folks who are still troubled by bullying situations, whether they were victim, bully, or bystander. As adults dealing with these situations, it's important that all the players have a chance to process what happened—preferably together (more about that later).
ADULTS MUST CORRECT THE SITUATION
Many families and school personnel are inadvertently doing victim-bully training in the way they deal with children when fights or bullying occurs. These adults act as judge, jury, and executioner, deciding who started the problem and punishing one Of the children or labeling that child a troublemaker or bully. Adults can't possibly see or understand all the dynamics among kids, so often they end up picking on the tallest or the oldest or the male, labeling him or her as the aggressor and Standing up for the Child they believe to be the poor victim. They don't notice the bystanders at all. We have often seen children who are dealt with this way stuff their feelings of injustice and later explode in violent and angry behavior. They feel misunderstood and picked on, without a voice and without understanding.
In Positive Discipline we teach that everyone who is part of the problem needs to be part Of the solution. The best way to implement this idea is at a Class Meeting, but even without Class Meetings, all those involved in a situation can be brought together to talk things out in the safety of a caring and neutral adult.
The history of the world is filled with stories of bullies who got their way by intimidating and hurting others. In Positive Discipline, we are rewriting that history, one family at a time, one classroom at a time, one school at a time, teaching methods that focus On respect, understanding, building consensus, and finding solutions, and that expect and help all the people who are part of a problem to be part of the solution. During Class Meetings we have heard kids come up with ways to help a child feel belonging and significance (brainstorming ways to show friendship and caring) until the bullying stopped. We have seen bystanders confess that they perpetuated the bullying situation or felt bad that they didn't speak up. During brainstorming for solutions, they agreed on methods to support each other in speaking up to stop bullying. We-have seen kids empathize with the bully, getting into the bully's world through role-playing, and coming up with solutions to be supportive.
After a 2012 incident in which an elderly school bus driver was bullied, Jane Nelsen told a newspaper reporter that "the traditional means Of punishment—yelling, shaming, hitting, grounding, etc.—are counterproductive." She suggested that "parents of the bullies embark on a four-step process to set aside their anger, take the time to emotionally connect with the misbehaving kids, find the reason behind the misdeeds, and then help the kids learn and grow from their mistakes"—including making amends.* The kids who bullied the bus monitor felt embarrassed when they watched a video of what they had done. They tried to make amends, but this wasn't enough for many adults, who wanted to bully the bullies and make them suffer more for what they did.
When Jane discovered that her own daughter was part of a group of kids pelting cars with oranges, she handled the incident in a way that would be appropriate to use in a bullying situation. She said to her daughter, "1'm so sorry that this happened. Tell me about "What were you feeling at the time?" "How do you think the neighbor felt?"
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*Jarie Nelsen quoted in Rene Lynch, "Don't Punish Bullies of School Bus Monitor, Parenting Expert Says," Los Angeles Times, June 12, 2012, http://www.latimes.com/news/nation /nationnow/la -nn-dont-punish-kids-in-bullying-video-20120621 story
"How would you feel if you had a new car and someone hit it with oranges?" That line of questioning led to the big question: "What do you think we can do to resolve this issue?" Jane's daughter, all on her own, came to a conclusion: she needed to apologize in person, also write an apology letter, and spend a day cleaning the neighbor's car by hand. Such consequences will ultimately teach a child why it's important to respect others, in addition to providing a deterrent.
Positive Discipline teaches that adults must work to help instill personal responsibility in children and guide those who misbehave in correcting their behavior and making repairs for their actions.
Positive Discipline does not condone permissiveness or coddling; nor does it support a sense Of entitlement in children. But punishing a bully, without understanding or investigating what created this behavior in the first place, serves only to fertilize the ground for more of this behavior in the future.
WHAT CAN ADULTS DO?
Perhaps the number-one adult behavior is to take bullying seriously and believe that it happens and that kids need help. A lot of bullying goes on behind the backs of adults.
First, adults should be alert to the signs that someone is being bullied. A student who does not want to go to school, who does not use the bathroom until he or she gets home, who asks for or steals money or snacks (for the bully), who exhibits physical symptoms, or who tries 'to sneak a weapon of some sort into school for protection is showing signs of being bullied.
Next, it's important that the adults intervene. Rather than singling Out just the bully, the victim, or the bystanders in a bullying situation, put all the kids in the same boat. Hold a Class Meeting, an assembly, a restorative justice circle, or a meeting with all the victims, bystanders, and bullies, along with their parents. Make sure everyone has a say and is heard. Emphasize that this is an issue for which the school has no tolerance and that there must be solutions. Remind kids that they have a right to be safe at school.
Listen to all the kids involved and make Sure they have a voice. The best solutions usually come from the kids. Don't underestimate kids' creativity and ability to solve problems, often more easily and quickly than adults.
Surprisingly, the simple solutions often work best: reminding kids to walk with friends, and instituting adult volunteer patrols of halls, bathrooms, and playgrounds. Sometimes just having an adult presence reduces bullying incidents. Help kids have a quirky comeback when they are subjected to a threat or intimidation. As silly as it may sound, when little kids say, "What you say is what you are," the intimidation Often stops. Asking a bully to play ball or share a sandwich or be a friend can do wonders.
Encourage kids to put bullying incidents on the agenda for the Class Meeting. If they don't want to name names, they can put down a general item like "'mean at the playground" or "stealing my lunch." Solutions are easy to generate even without naming names. Ignoring a bully can also be effective in some circumstances, taking the sail out of his or her wind. Focusing on solutions in a Class Meeting has a powerful effect on bullies. Some bullies try to save face by stating they didn't realize they were hurting others or that they were just joking. Still, they seem to feel the power of the group members sharing their thoughts about bullying and are often motivated to change especially when they have the opportunity to choose solutions.
It is extremely helpful to make sure your teens are part of several groups, both in and outside of school, so they always have a place to belong. Encouraging sports, dance, martial arts, hobbies, theater, and so on gives a child a different set of friends. If the friends at school decide to turn against him or her, When that happens, it's comforting for kids to know they have another group they can count on.
CAUTION: WHEN IT ISN'T BULLYING
Adults often become in their attempts to a problem They may label behaviors as bullying when they are actually age typical. It's very normal for kindergarten kids to taunt, "You can't come to my birthday party." We've heard of six-year-olds being Suspended for "sexual harassment" or pretend-fighting at the playground. These cases are neither bullying nor sexual harassment. Young children often experiment with behavior they've heard about (on TV or from adults) that they don't really understand. Still, such incidents are opportunities to teach children that their behavior has effects on others that they can replace disrespectful behavior with appropriate social skills. These behaviors could be put on the Class Meeting agenda so that even young children start to discuss how their behavior can hurt others—and brainstorm solutions. These kids need skills, not labels.
We encourage teachers of all age groups to do an activity with Students called "Charlie." It's an activity (created by Suzanne Smitha, a school psychologist and certified Positive Discipline trainer) that's easy to do, quick, and easy to relate to. Once you do it with your students, you can use it as a reference point when difficult issues happen.
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ACTIVITY: CHARLIE
OBJECTIVE
To help students see the results of Cruel behavior and statements and to realize that the damage can be improved, but can't be completely repaired
DIRECTIONS
1. Draw the outline of a person on a large piece of butcher paper. Tell your students this person's name is Charlie.
2. Ask your students to share examples of comments or behaviors that have hurt their feelings. Every time someone offers a Comment or behavior, crumple a part of the picture, until all that's left is a crumpled ball.
3. Ask the students how they think Charlie is feeling. Would he want to come back to school? Has anyone in the room ever felt that way?
4. Now ask what anyone could do or say that might help Charlie. When a student gives an encouraging example, smooth out a piece Of Charlie until the picture is more intact. Talk about how even with encouragement, there are still wrinkles remaining. Ask the students to think before they speak, knowing that words can be Very hard to take back and that "wrinkles" can last a long time.
5. Hang Charlie up in the room as a reminder and refer to his wrinkled body when kids forget to treat each other respectfully. If a student is having a tough time, ask if he is having a Charlie Day and what would help him feel and do better.
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Positive Discipline has been at the forefront of providing tools to deal with acting-out behaviors (including bullying) in a nonpunitive, respectful, and effective way. During Class Meetings on bullying, students focus on a nonpunitive, solution-oriented approach—seeking to understand what happened, what caused it to happen, what each person could do differently next time to keep it from happening, and how to make amends if needed.
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POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IN ACTION
I am a newbie to Positive Discipline and just started implementing it in my school in France. started with Curiosity Questions. During recess, when the three-to-five-year-old kids fight, I ask them, "What is the problem?"
One day a four-year-old boy destroyed another kid's sand castle. The two boys told me what the problem was, and I asked them what could be a way to resolve this problem. The boy who had destroyed the castle said he could help the other boy make a new castle, and they started playing happily together.
I have also been making a Wheel of Choice. In my class we brainstormed for ideas students could do when they have a problem or a fight. They found many ideas like kissing. hugging, dancing together, talking to the teacher, but best of all—tickling! It was their number-one choice when they fought, and it always worked. Would I have ever thought of that? Never! Kids are so creative and full of resources. I am very impressed.
One of the children in the school would hit forty times a day. I taught the children how to brainstorm solutions, and the one they picked was; to tell this child that they liked him. Later in the day a student came to me and said, "Nadine, this thing about telling him we like him doesn't work well. We need to find another solution." love it when children know we can keep looking for solutions. We had another brainstorm session to think of more ways to help the student. The kids decided to lend him this great toy car—and it worked!
Nadine Gaudin, teacher at Institut Notre-Dame,
St-Germain-en-Laye, France
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POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IN ACTION
The benefits I learned from building relations with difficult students are many. I learned that some 'of the contributing factors that play a part in student misbehavior' are their sense of self-worth, their attention seeking, and their search for identity. Students who feel they are not smart enough, or loved enough, in and outside of school, will find other ways to stand out. Students might Feel that being disruptive in class is their only way to get attention from the teacher and their peers. They seek out disruptive behavior, identify it as who they are, and feel that is the thing they are known for at school. All of these factors have other factors that led to them. It is all based on how much trust the students have in coming to school, and the trust they have for the teacher. By working with these children Closely, I show them that I am not going away and that I will be able to erase the students' next defiant episode. I can now respond with practical strategies that I can use in my classroom on a daily basis. Another benefit would be to empower the students. By positively changing the students' perception of authority, and discarding the type of teaching that doesn't produce long-term results, I will' be able to build a trusting and powerful relationship with the students. I will also feel empowered myself, be less stressed with my job, and enjoy my students.
Loribeth Knauss, fifth-grade teacher, Shoemaker Elementary School, gast Penn School District, Pennsylvania
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